Kamal Tolia & Lotus Healing Seva Group

Part 1 …… Giving and Love

Giving is natural to human nature. The gifts we exchange during Diwali, Id, Christmas and other culturally significant times are traditional norms which give us an opportunity to show we care. They bring us closer together.

The author O. Henry writes in his book: The Gift of the Magi, about a very poor couple who had no money to buy each other a Christmas gift. The man had a lovely watch that he cherished, but no chain to attach it to his coat. The wife had beautiful knee length long hair which she cherished, but no comb. The man secretly sells his watch to buy his wife a set of combs. At the same time, the wife secretly sells off her long hair to the wigmaker and buys a gold watch chain for her husband. The presents turned out to be of no use to both of them. But the thought behind the giving and the sacrifice they made for each other, speaks volumes about the deep love they had for each other.

Four thousand years ago, on hearing of Krishna’s coronation, Sudama, his childhood friend remembered that Krishna loved puffed rice. So he carried some for him. But when he saw Krishna seated on the throne, he hesitated. He even started to feel ashamed that he had brought such an ordinary gift for the King. But Krishna was not embarrassed in anyway, and seized the gift from Sudama and thoroughly enjoyed eating it! Once again, what comes through is that it is not the material value of the gift that is important, but the thought and the love behind it.

Whenever we love, we express our love by giving. The lover who buys his beloved a flower, the child who presents his mother with a beautiful paper necklace he learned to make in his craft class, the gift a brother gives his sister on Raksha Bandhan, a new car given by a rich parent as a graduation present to his child, all have one thing in common: they are expressions of love. The value of the article is immaterial.

Even the offering we make to the Lord when we go to the temple is an expression of our love for Him / Her. So if you love someone, show you care by Giving. Give freely from your heart. There is no better way of making sure your gift is a perfect one!

Kamal Tolia

Part 5 ……. The Art of Receiving

Who amongst us does not like receiving gifts? Receiving enriches us in more ways than in the material sense. It tells us that we are important to someone for them to give us a gift. It shows that they care for us.

How a gift is received varies in different cultures. As children we showed our happiness at receiving gifts by spontaneously giving a hug and / or kiss to the giver and tearing open the gift! As we grow older, we become a little reserved about displaying our gratitude, so we profess it with a thank you and maybe a hug before opening our gift. Then when we become adults a time comes when some of us just accept the gift, say a thank you, and put it away without opening it.

This behavior is especially true in an Asian i e Indian, Pakistani, Sri Lankan context, where to open your gift in front of the giver is considered ill mannered, even uncouth. It is put away and opened afterwards. This however, does not complete the circuit of Giving and Receiving. It leaves a big hole in the giver’s mind as to: Was the gift appropriate / liked? It is only when the receiver opens the gift upon receiving it, and spontaneously shows his gratitude and appreciation that the whole event is complete!

The art of gift wrapping in Japan is called tsusumu. Even the wrapping of the gift is done with love and care. So when the gift is given, the receiver opens the cover with great care too. Tearing it open shows no consideration for the spirit with which it was wrapped. Thus both the actual thing as well as the wrapper is respected, because they both reflect the love of the giver.

In certain cases, for example, your wedding party, it is not possible to open each present publicly. Writing a little thank you note to each one, saying how much you liked or enjoyed the book / dress / jewellery etc. goes a long way in showing that you care for the giver too.

Finally, there may come a time in your life when you do not want to accumulate any more material things especially if you have no use for them. At the same time, you do not want to refuse genuine gifting. Faizal, (name changed) for his 80^th birthday informed all his family members and friends in advance that what they wished to spend on a gift for him should be given to a charity in his name. In this way, 3 purposes were served: Giving, Receiving and Giving Again! The receiver ‘passes’ on the giving, and in the process becomes gratified at having helped a needy cause.

Truly, Giving and Receiving are two sides of a coin. One cannot exist without the other! And like the coin itself, they enrich our lives!

Kamal Tolia

Part 4 …. Giving and Creativity

When we have to give a present, most of us make a trip to the stores to buy it. But to make it an extra especial gift, try giving one which you have created. Use your talents and imagination to come up with an exclusive ‘made especially for the other’ gift. When we give such a gift, we are not simply giving a ‘thing’, but we are giving a part of ourselves with it too. The bond created in this instance will be stronger than super glue! The receiver can feel the love you have put into the gift. In return, automatically she / he loves you back! Is it any wonder then that, with this love going back and forth between the giver and the receiver, their relationship grows to the next higher level?!

If you paint, make a little personal painting on a theme the receiver would like, and watch the joy it gives him when he receives it. If you are good at poetry and words, try writing a poem or story for the other. On the wedding of his daughter Anmol, my brother in law Nandlal sang a farewell (bidai) song with his own lyrics for his daughter based on the song ‘yeh kagaz ki khasti’ while scenes of her childhood and teens played on the wall screen. This special present remains imprinted in Anmol’s memory, as the sweetest gift ever!

Similarly, my sons and daughter in law celebrated my husbands and my birthdays with our extended family and friends by giving a surprise party during which they made a video presentation of our lives featuring our childhood, the day we got married, had children, grew professionally and all other milestones that marked the years. Words cannot express our joy and gratitude at this lovely, unexpected gift. It occupies a very special place in our hearts!

Giving can also take the form of helping out with the shopping of an elderly / invalid neighbor or friend. When Saira (name changed) underwent a detached retina operation, her neighbours not only did the shopping for her, but one of them came weekly to her house to clean and tidy it as well. Although theirs was not a tangible gift, they showed they cared for Saira and her comfort by giving up their time.

Then of course who does not like the home made cakes, biscuits, pickles and sweets we receive from family, friends and neighbours? And since it is a tradition in most cultures to never return a plate or container empty, we give back in kind for these delicious items. In this way, as the articles are being exchanged, love too is being exchanged. This is called ‘engaging with each other’. The relationship soon evolves from just gift giving to caring for each other.

Next week: The Art of Receiving

Kamal Tolia

Part 3 …. Giving and Materialism

When we give, do we gift to others what would be useful to them? Do we pass on to them the gifts that we received but for which we have no use, knowing full well that they too will have no use for them? Do we give gifts just because we have to fulfill a social obligation? Or worse, do we give so that we can show off our status and wealth? And even worse: do we give so that we can outdo one another?

These are indeed sad reasons for giving. They will not bring the giver and the receiver any closer together. Gift giving must serve as a means of strengthening your relationship with the receiver. Sometimes it is the simplest gift that can be the most precious. When Mahatma Gandhi heard about the engagement of Prince Phillip to Princess Elizabeth, he sat down and spun them a tablecloth. When the Queen received this simple gift, she was so touched, it is said she locked it up with the crown jewels!

Our annual religious celebrations are great days to give gifts. But do not wait for these special days to show you care. If you see something that is absolutely suitable for someone, or that someone would love to have, or something that he / she has been looking for since a long time, then just go ahead and buy it for them! And then see the joy light up their face when they receive this unexpected gift!  So you will experience double joy: the joy of giving and the joy of making someone happy!

One of the most precious memories that stick out in Lalita’s (name changed) mind is when her family of four had just shifted into a residential estate, is that of a neighbour knocking on her door the first evening to deliver some homemade pizzas! So touched was she by this gift, that even 20 years later she cannot recall the event without tears of joy and gratitude in her eyes! The contents of the gift, the pizzas are not important. She does not remember much about what the pizzas looked like or what toppings they had!  What she remembers with clarity, is what the act made her feel! She has gone onto repeating the same act of generosity to other neighbours when they moved into the compound, carrying on the gift giving tradition!

Next week: Giving and Creativity

Kamal Tolia